


Anywhere You're Not

by magicbubblepipe



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Dean's One Year, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Season 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 19:20:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicbubblepipe/pseuds/magicbubblepipe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>When Dean's time comes, Sammy will cease to exist.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anywhere You're Not

            It had been a good enough day when they left the Ghostfacers wailing in agony over their lost television pilot but darkness has started to fall and with it, a silence between Sam and Dean. They’re driving through the night, Sam figures as he glances at the clock on the stereo which reads 2:00 am. Or maybe Dean just hasn’t come across a crummy enough motel yet. Sam doesn’t ask. It doesn’t matter. His mind is fixated on the one thought he tries so hard to push away.

In a matter of short weeks, Dean will be dead.

            He swallows and chances a sideways glance at the profile of his brother, dully illuminated in the darkness of the Impala. The six months Dean had been dead after the Mystery Spot had been the worst of his life. Sam had become a ruthless machine, just surviving and killing and feeling nothing but emptiness. He feels a chill of terror at his lack of control and the lesson of the trickster echoes in his mind. He knows that it will happen again. When Dean’s time comes, Sammy will cease to exist. An animal will take his place and he isn’t sure he will ever make it back to the surface. _I wouldn’t want to._

            “Sam. You okay? Lookin’ kinda cryptic over there,” Dean says, startling Sam out of his thoughts.

            Sam forces a smile for him. It feels tight and wrong and he knows that he can’t fool Dean. He never could. “Yeah, just thinking too hard I guess. Maybe I should get some sleep.” He stretches a little and fakes a yawn.

            “Yeah right,” Dean says in a tone that means ‘no more bullshit’, “I know that pitiful look on your face. I’m not dead yet, Sam. Quit actin’ like I am.”

            “You’ve got less than two months, Dean. It’s kind of hard not to think about it.”

            “Look, I said it before. I don’t want to die. I really don’t, but I made a choice and I don’t regret it.”

            Sam feels anger bubbling up out of his grief and he trembles at the force of it. “Yeah and it was a selfish choice! You didn’t once stop to think how it would make _me_ feel, did you? And after Dad did it for you and you knew how it felt and you still did it!”

            “It’s different, okay,” Dean growls, that familiar spark flaring up in his eyes, “You’re the stronger one. You’ve always been stronger than me. You can pick yourself up and keep going. You can go back to school. You can have a life, Sammy. I could never do that. You’re all I’ve got. You’re the only single damn thing that matters to me in this world and I will never stop trying to keep you safe.”

            Sam blinks hard to fend off the prickle of tears at the backs of his eyes. “No I can’t. You’re wrong. Without you, I…I’m something I don’t even recognize. When you go to Hell, I’ll be in a hell of my own.”

            “That’s not the same thing-

            “Yes it is, Dean. Fire, brimstone, I don’t care. Hell is anywhere you’re not.”

            Dean goes silent and Sam’s rage starts to break, an overwhelming sadness creeping up and swallowing him under. It’s black despair. It’s nothingness. He doesn’t realize the car has stopped until Dean has his arms wrapped around him. Sam clings to him helplessly. He feels like a child again, sobbing into his big brother’s shirt. Dean whispers things he doesn’t quite hear and strokes hands over his back and his hair. Sam’s arms wind tight around him and crush him closer, trying to push Dean in to fill the gaping chasm that’s torn its way through his chest.

            When Sam feels all cried out, exhaustion steals over, making his limbs feel heavy and his eyes burn. Dean just holds him close because there’s nothing else he can do. He can’t tell Sam that everything will be alright because it won’t. So he says the only thing he can.

            “I love you, baby boy. And I’ll come back. Even if I have to claw my way out.”

            “You can’t promise that,” Sam replies and his voice is hoarse and dry.

            “Well someone’s gotta look out for you, right?” Dean tries at levity but his quiet laugh is strained.

            Sam doesn’t say anything more. When Dean’s notices his brother’s fallen asleep, he gently uncoils Sam’s arms and eases him back into his own seat, his head lolling against the window. Dean steps out of the car and shuts the door quietly behind him. He breathes in a shuddery lungful of cold night air and then lets himself cry. 


End file.
